Painfully Yours

If my memory serves me well, the last time I cried so hard was when I had a toothache. It was very painful to the point that pain killers cannot do their jobs. I punched hard surfaces to somehow transfer the pain from somewhere in my face to my fist, but to no avail. I screamed. I was angry. I hoped to die. But seriously, toothache?

There are better stories than that. 

I have considered myself, a little stoic. From the little pains I always get everyday, I think it would amount to one tremendous heartache. My story would not be as dramatic as others. Some readers might consider some stories, if not all, petty. But, I still want to share anyway.

So, I am a little stoic. I learned this term in college, but I have been trying to make myself a stoic since I was little. You see, I was a crybaby. When I feel people feel pity on me, I cry. When I feel pity for myself, I cry. Since I easily cry, my classmates used to tease me "gay", and I cry. I told myself, it has to stop. But it did not. I was learning how to drive a bicycle with my younger brother. My grandparents helped us. It was my grandpa's bike we were using (may his soul rest in peace). So, it was hard for me to balance. I was scared. My younger brother however; was able to easily balance himself and made the bike work. He took all praises, I took all the scorn. 

So, we were singing. My younger brother had good musical sense, a luxury I scarcely have. Although, through the years I've developed it, but still far from genius. Of course, he was preferred over me. So, we take turns in singing, and if it get to my turn, my grandpa takes the mic from me and give it to my younger brother. Oh, imagine the rejection. And some singing sessions, videoke with the adults. The same things, when I start singing, comments like "yabag" starts to become the melody. As I child, I lose easily the confidence and become more "yabag". And as the story of my life usually goes, they took away the mic from me.

There are still many other stories that would leave a little scar in my heart. I taught my heart, how not to feel. I taught myself not to get hurt easily, hold back my tears, and stand strong just like a normal man should do. I taught myself not to expect too much from people, to get too attached to them would mean prepping your heart to be broken. So I became the person I was. I seldom shed tears. I don't get angry when someone attempts to hurt me. I just shrugged their attempts off. But I also missed the joy of feeling. I missed to appreciate little things, the simple gestures of love and kindness. I was blind to love. I am in a relationship but cannot love deeply, because I am always on guard. And it was the kind of love that took time to really blossom. At some point in my existence, I encountered Jesus. It was a very close encounter. I was reading a scripture that tells the story how Jesus was sitting, drawing something in the sand and the Pharisees tried to ensnare Him with a very sensitive issue. The Pharisees caught a woman in adultery. The law says the woman should be stoned to death. Then Jesus told them whoever has not sinned cast the first stone, then everyone left. Then Jesus asked the woman where the people were. He asked her "Did they not condemned you?" then comes the most liberating feeling "So do I not condemn you. Go in peace and sin no more." What a beautiful passage. After reading this, I just cried like a baby. I felt Jesus was telling me the lines and I was forgiven. And I just feel how happy it is to be forgiven. And perhaps so, to forgive.

Today, I still feel the pain of rejection. The pain of having others preferred over me. But today, I feel more the love of people who appreciate me. Why focus on what cannot give positive energy? Life is too short to feel bitterness. I accepted that I am not perfect, and definitely never will.