Restlessness in the Night

I can recall few instances that I can't sleep at night, but I can't recall reasons I can't sleep. Last night, my mind was so restless. It feels like so many things in my head want to come out and get real. Eventually, I slept at past 2:00 AM. One of the things that is vividly being repeated is the Proposal, my proposal to my girlfriend. It was so vivid it looked real. Make no mistake, I was not dreaming but the effort I exerted to think about it is similar to my effort when I am asleep. It was just flowing like a heavy downpour. And the ideas were all there. I see clearly the emotions, excitement, joy, peace. I decided to write about this because I feel that this is something very important. You see, at this point in my life, I am torn between two directions - two roads.. religious or married life. Now, it seems clearer to me as to the direction I have to take. Perhaps, this is one of the defining moments in my life. I felt like this is an answer God gave me. I asked for it, He gave it to me. Now, I'll be waiting for a confirmation.

Painfully Yours

If my memory serves me well, the last time I cried so hard was when I had a toothache. It was very painful to the point that pain killers cannot do their jobs. I punched hard surfaces to somehow transfer the pain from somewhere in my face to my fist, but to no avail. I screamed. I was angry. I hoped to die. But seriously, toothache?

There are better stories than that. 

I have considered myself, a little stoic. From the little pains I always get everyday, I think it would amount to one tremendous heartache. My story would not be as dramatic as others. Some readers might consider some stories, if not all, petty. But, I still want to share anyway.

So, I am a little stoic. I learned this term in college, but I have been trying to make myself a stoic since I was little. You see, I was a crybaby. When I feel people feel pity on me, I cry. When I feel pity for myself, I cry. Since I easily cry, my classmates used to tease me "gay", and I cry. I told myself, it has to stop. But it did not. I was learning how to drive a bicycle with my younger brother. My grandparents helped us. It was my grandpa's bike we were using (may his soul rest in peace). So, it was hard for me to balance. I was scared. My younger brother however; was able to easily balance himself and made the bike work. He took all praises, I took all the scorn. 

So, we were singing. My younger brother had good musical sense, a luxury I scarcely have. Although, through the years I've developed it, but still far from genius. Of course, he was preferred over me. So, we take turns in singing, and if it get to my turn, my grandpa takes the mic from me and give it to my younger brother. Oh, imagine the rejection. And some singing sessions, videoke with the adults. The same things, when I start singing, comments like "yabag" starts to become the melody. As I child, I lose easily the confidence and become more "yabag". And as the story of my life usually goes, they took away the mic from me.

There are still many other stories that would leave a little scar in my heart. I taught my heart, how not to feel. I taught myself not to get hurt easily, hold back my tears, and stand strong just like a normal man should do. I taught myself not to expect too much from people, to get too attached to them would mean prepping your heart to be broken. So I became the person I was. I seldom shed tears. I don't get angry when someone attempts to hurt me. I just shrugged their attempts off. But I also missed the joy of feeling. I missed to appreciate little things, the simple gestures of love and kindness. I was blind to love. I am in a relationship but cannot love deeply, because I am always on guard. And it was the kind of love that took time to really blossom. At some point in my existence, I encountered Jesus. It was a very close encounter. I was reading a scripture that tells the story how Jesus was sitting, drawing something in the sand and the Pharisees tried to ensnare Him with a very sensitive issue. The Pharisees caught a woman in adultery. The law says the woman should be stoned to death. Then Jesus told them whoever has not sinned cast the first stone, then everyone left. Then Jesus asked the woman where the people were. He asked her "Did they not condemned you?" then comes the most liberating feeling "So do I not condemn you. Go in peace and sin no more." What a beautiful passage. After reading this, I just cried like a baby. I felt Jesus was telling me the lines and I was forgiven. And I just feel how happy it is to be forgiven. And perhaps so, to forgive.

Today, I still feel the pain of rejection. The pain of having others preferred over me. But today, I feel more the love of people who appreciate me. Why focus on what cannot give positive energy? Life is too short to feel bitterness. I accepted that I am not perfect, and definitely never will. 

The Road Less Travelled

To be confronted with two roads is quite familiar. But two roads that bring you to different destinations, difficult. Non-negotiable. You cannot take Road A and end up in Road B's destination or vice-versa. Road A is filled with light, comfort, and joy. But having waited for so long to decide, roots have been developed to where you are standing, Road B. It is hard to pull yourself out and sever the roots because it will cause you pain and much more pain you will cause to others. Discernment process begins. Probably, I have to admit that this is a reflection of my life, I might as well use I instead of you....

Okay, so, I feel scared to make the final decision. Scared to turn my back from God and the good life. Afraid to live to see the wrong decisions I have made. And why am I even thinking that going to Road B is a wrong decision? Something is really wrong with me. I am being unfair to those people who love me, who took good care of me, and accepted me as family. I see happiness if I chose Road B, but there is only so much. I cannot picture abundance. Why? Is it because I have not fully accepted that Road? Is it because half of my life was spent thinking, I will be alone with God. Serious thinking should be done.

I still believe though that God makes so many plans for me. If I chose not to go to Plan A, He has reserved a Plan B for me. And as stubborn as I can get, He has prepared Plan C - Z, including numbers to the infinity. God is more than one Plan. I believe that but why am I not so confident in making a period on this crisis? I need to make that decision that I would firmly uphold.

An Invitation

Last night, I received a call from my mom asking me to give a talk on Wednesday during their General Prayer Meeting. I got irritated. I started to raise my voice (though this really sound normal already to the people who know me but still not a good excuse). Why do I feel this? After she hung up, I calmed down. I asked myself again, why do I react that way? Definitely, that was not an appropriate reaction. But like most mothers do, they seem to have a way of convincing you to do what they want you to do without trying to convince you. So, I decided that I am accepting the task, half-heartedly, I guess.

A few minutes passed by, I was thinking, it was not my mom who was inviting me. I think it was God, calling me to be of service to Him. How can I deny Him, He who gave me everything. So, this morning, I sent a message to my brother that I am going to give the talk. If I think about it, it is rather inconvenient. Standing there in front of many who have been in the church longer than the amount of time I have lived, and who listen to the words that comes out from my mouth. Isn't that scary? Instead, I could just lay comfortably on the couch and watch TV. But, this is a tiny service I am rendering to God. Hopefully, being used as His instrument, people will get to love Him more deeply. After all, that is the only one thing that is important (LK 10:38-42)